No regret, no resolution, no reservation.
To put it gently, the end is nigh.
Er, who believes that anyway, right? But I got thinking. What if, it really is the end of the world on Friday?
I don’t have a bucket list, my emotional accumulation of people I have to apologize to, old flame I’d like to rekindle or monuments I’d like to deface with my tears.
But. I do have a list.
I’d like to go to a nice restaurant in Delhi and order myself a cheese fondue and unabashedly devour potatoes and bread dripping with butter and cheese all night. And wrap up the meal with a crème brûlée whose top cracks with a resounding crack, and whose custard quivers ever so timidly as I bring the spoon to my mouth. Oh and yes I’d like to return home in a car with a sunroof, with my hair and hands thrown to the wind, and the air tasting of winter rains.
I’d like to love myself. To recover my lost faith, revive my lost abilities. I’d like to be happy with my body, my hair, my voice and my opinions, for once. Without contest, without compromise. I’d like for my parents to approve of me and my sister to look up to me. For me to approve of, and admire me.
I’d like to be able to make eye contact with any random stranger than to avert my eyes and deny them their right to being human- and smile at them my warmest smile, without it being a provocation, or an invitation. I’d like, in the face of Death, for people to turn to love, than towards hate and anarchy. To be different from the people of Gotham City.
I’d like to stop being such a Type- A personality. To stop worrying, too. About all the things I have to do, the forms I have to fill, or even the movies I’ve got to watch. To relax, and stop being a multi-tasker, a hyper- achiever who’s got plans and ideas and dreams. I’d like there to be a day when the only thing open on my PC is one window, with only tab. And that’s all I’ve got to do.
I’d like to be free. Free from the fear of the unknown, the unprecedented and the unplanned that is an integral part of me. I’d like to be fearless, for the first time. To be able to tell myself that its now or ever, and have the faith that given the choice, I am emotionally capable of going dune biking, or bungee jumping, or even climbing on a roller coaster without thinking of what comes after- if there is an after. I’d like to get drunk out of my mind just to see what total inhibition feels like.
I’d like to fall in love. To know what true, faithless, faithful and unconditional love feels like. To experience that paradox- the completeness that co-exists with the emptiness, the faith that towers over fact. To fulfill every idiom, every cliche, every song or movie ever writ.
I’d like to know who killed Arushi, that girl from the party, who it was that eroded a part of my childhood and got away.
I’d like to be without regret, without resolution and without reservation.
I’d like to die a free elf.